She's got issues

I once had one big issue with this one girl whom I guess no one knows about coz I never did mention about her in any of my entries. I must say she's pretty annoying. But then I realized, I must have been annoying in any ways either.

Having to force myself to hate someone is not as easy as it may seem. I have to really develop the hatred and try to avoid that person, just to be happy, or at least pretend that I am. That's hard, I tell you. Well, I can't really hate one person, especially my friend. The more I tried, the harder it become. I gave up. I started to like her. It turned out to be great. I mean, she's not that annoying, really. It was me who got an issue back then. But I never regretted things I've done coz by that, I learned to live my life, feeling all sorts of inexplicable feelings, from the greatest to the most horrible ones.

It's happening again. Someone got an issue, with me, I think! I can see that he/she resents me. And I totally had no clue about anything that happened. It's the behavior that I hate so much. I'm teaching myself to have this one attitude, where I could ignore things that happen around me - the "whatever" attitude.

Obviously, I can tell whether a person is comfortable being around me. Or whether he/she is willing to talk to me like a friend does. Apparently, I see none in them friends, well at least for now. It hurts, but still bearable. I tell myself not to resent any of my friends coz they might have an issue (yes, I love using 'issue' recently). So I cheer myself up and try being nice. And I did. "This is just a seasonal crisis," I remind myself, repeatedly. No, I'm not that pathetic. I just need something to free me from doubts I had at the moment. It's typical. But what if they would never come back and be my friend, ever again? That I have to learn, maybe later.

Never in my life I ever encountered this. It's totally suck, big time, buddy. You never wanted to feel this way. Never.

For now, I'm happy with everything I have - the new complicated life and supportive friends. And I wish I could find myself a boyfriend, a special boyfriend.

Speaking of which, I seldom find myself daydreaming during the day. But I accidently drove myself into this one world full of hopes. I pictured myself and my only one (as if!), but I saw none. But then I drew 'someone' in the air, and it was him. A big guy who's taller than me (of course!), and dressed in short and plain white t-shirt (yeah, it's a dream I tell you so everything's gonna be white and suci). He came to me and gave me a big bear-hug, a hug I've always missed. He then told me he'd play me a song, just for me. I couldn't remember the title.

A tear dropped on the back of my hand. That was when I knew, I was just daydreaming. And when I recall everything back, I realized... that guy was HIM. The dream I had was a dream I USED to have when I WAS with him. I didn't argue with myself. I'm over it already, the dream. It can't be helped. Please don't be mad at me.

Well, what's important at this point is just to.. sit back and relax. Act as if nothing is really going on and on, like the world does not revolve around you. Cheer!

And I'm glad I could write this all down.

♥ pao.